Oops, I missed. Can it try that again?

Year: 2008

Scene of the Crime: Corner Bakery

Time of Day: Lunch Break

Moral of the Story: You only get once chance
Rating: 2 out of 5 goose bumps (the bad kind)

I went out with this guy- let’s call him “Tom,” for what I thought was a friendly meeting with a new friend over an ill-made cobb salad at the same Corner Bakery where my friend was pick-pursed (should have been a warning). Tom was a lawyer from the south, but might as well have been a socially awkward martian (we’ll get to that later).

Leading up to this lunch date I thought it was just a friendly invitation with no hope of romance and zero attraction. Well…Tom had a different idea. He was over the top with manners, insisted on buying my cobb salad and a cookie for dessert because “every good date should end in with a dessert (wink)” according to him. 

We got along fine, our conversation flowed enough to get through the lunch rush, but his lean in, elbows on the table, cheek-in-hand, closed-lips and shut eyes body language was beyond cringe-worthy and quite distracting.  He was leaning in so close that I had to actually scoot my seat back because we were almost Eskimo kissing, just sitting across from each other at the table and my personal space was far beyond compromised.  He kept nodding in agreement with everything I was saying (close-lipped smile and closed eyes included.) He was devouring every word (similar to his ruben panini) which in turn came across not only creepy, but insincere.

He also kept saying things like “This is the best date I've ever been on!” and repeatedly asked if I agreed.  Other exclamations included “Dating each other is so great!” “This is amazing- I’m such a great date!” “I’m so glad we found each other!”  If you can’t tell already, it was at this point I feel as though I am on a sinking ship and there’s only one life jacket. Yes, this date was about to come capsize and only one of us was going to make it safely to shore…AND.IT. WAS. GOING. TO. BE.ME.GODDAMNIT.

To be clear, at no point during this 90 minute lunch ‘date’  at this quick service chain did I attempt to charm Tom with my wit and ridiculously attentive question and recall display or even dazzle him with my Midwestern manners, no-not one bit. I simply showed up wearing black work slacks, a turtle neck (probably a mock-neck) and had the world’s worst accidental Kate Goslin haircut at the time.  If asked a question, I answered. If he opened his mostly closed eyes, I made contact and when he reached for my hand from across the table, I grabbed for extra napkins. Additionally, the Millionaire Matchmaker and dating expert, Patty Sanger, once tweeted "Coffee is cheap. Drinks are an audition. Lunch is an interview. Dinner means business...the business of romance." Yes, I quoted a tweet and Patty Sanger. I’m aware; She makes a very valid point, though.

As our lunch came to an end, he insisted on walking me back to my office. I resisted because:

1) It was completely unnecessary  

2) I didn't want anyone to see us 

3) I didn't want him to know where I worked 

4) Ir give the idea that it was a date 

5) He worked in the west loop, approximately a 20 minute walk back...

...but he insisted on making sure “I got back to work safely.” Some will argue this offer was chivalrous, although I will defend my positioning because the only threat to my safety on my walk back to work was the over-tourist population and their snail’s walking pace, due to its close proximity to Michigan Ave.

As I reach for my id badge, he extends his arms into a hug so I go for it. Why not, right? Everyone loves hugs!  As I lean in to hug I feel something on my ear.  Yep, it was his lips.  He tried to kiss my cheek I guess, but he missed in a big way.  He then says “Oops, I missed.  Can I try that again?” He closes his eyes and inches closer to my face before I can even respond to his request for permission. You can imagine my reaction.  I say “Oh, that’s ok, I better get back to work. Thanks for lunch!” and walk as fast as I can without sprinting to my elevator bank without looking back.  

Tom continued to text me accolades as follow ups to the world’s most awkward out of the office lunch.  I told him that I was too busy to see him that weekend.  He got the hint pretty fast and I didn’t hear from him for several months…until he sent me this text:  “Hey Rhette, I am sorry I let things slip through the cracks with us. I never meant to leave you hanging and wondering.”  Excuse me….you left me hanging??? I don’t think so, bucko.  This just goes to show you how delusional guys can be.  It was mind boggling to understand how this guy could possibly think that I had been interested, left “hanging and wondering” let alone still care six months later after I avoided his date requests and texts. 

A note to the fellas-if you're going to text back to a date gone dark-don't do it. Trust me-just don't. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to do so, for the love of Pete, don't wait six months to follow up.. It won't pad your ego and will make you feel like an idiot when said girl responds with "Who is this?" to your out of the blue text. #ouch.