Scene of the Crime: Topo Gigio in Old Town
Time of Day: 8:00 pm (work night)
Moral of the Story: If he looks like Desi Collings from Gone Girl, he probably is
Rating: 4 out of 5 goose bumps (the bad kind)
Just last month, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I couldn't wait to graduate from my 20's and ring in a new decade with all of my favorite people in one place. The party started at noon and went on all day. Towards the end of the night, I began to chat with a guy I will call "Dustin" who had friends who knew friends of my friends or something along those lines. Things start to get a little fuzzy because it had been a long day that extended to a late night club with a guy friend of mine, who I don't get to see that often. This Dustin character wanted to meet up at this later establishment, which was a bad idea because I just wanted to have a fun birthday and wasn't in the mood to entertain or "get to know someone" on the night of my big day. In true Desi Collings style, he showed up and tried to talk to me all night despite me bopping all over the place in my margarita and confetti glory.
After a week of small talk via texting and a few calls, we meet for dinner (1st mistake) at my favorite Italian restaurant (2nd mistake). As soon as I sit down, I realize that Dustin is in it to win it with a list of questions Barbara Walters would salivate over. There was no small talk-he cut right to the chase and asked me what my top three deal breakers were. Without holding back I riddled off 1) suburbs 2) smoking/drugs and 3) bad manners. As I spit these out, I remember him telling me he lived in a western suburb approximately 45 minutes away--whoops! I tried to counter-inquire, but every time he would deflect the question or change the subject all together.
During a mere moment of awkward silence (while I was chewing) he tells me that he Googled me and not only watched all of my work media segments, but also listened to my radio clips and would finger quote “ “ lines from them throughout the evening. After delivering one of my lines he'd laugh and pause before I had to ask "What? Oh-was that something I said on-air or something?" I understand how this could be flattering, but that is not something anyone wants to hear on a first date. It's too much pressure and screams: STALKER
Next, he asks me how many kids I want to have. When I tell him, I don't know (that’s a lie) and don't really want to discuss offspring over my eggplant, he tells me that he can see me having three to four because I am very nurturing and have a strong maternal instinct. I don't know if he gathered that from how gingerly I buttered my baguette or used the butter knife to cut my eggplant (because I dropped my steak knife on the ground when he wasn't looking.)
I gradually steer the conversation to a more neutral topic of hobbies where he tells me that his would be to make me happy and convert to a suburbanite. He goes on to tell me that he has four bedrooms waiting to be filled (winks) and that his master bathroom has 'his' and 'hers' sinks all ready to go if I'd like to see them or stay for a weekend to test it out. As a negotiating tool, he asks me how much I make (I don't tell) and he tells me that whatever it is, he’s sure he makes twice as much and that I can live in luxury with him in the burbs…if I wanted to. Gee, where do I sign-NOT!
His next "area of concern" with me is my friendship with my male friends. He doesn't believe that men and women can have platonic relationships and tells me that if we were to marry, that I wouldn't be allowed to spend one-on-one time with them. "Not that he didn't trust me, or anything." [I’m 99.9 % sure his house has 99 cameras set up]
His finally nail in the coffin, as if he needed another one, was when he asked me to rate the date on a 1-10 scale. I opted out of a number rating an instead used my words and told him that it was "the most intense and expedited first date I've ever been on" and "that it was a first for so many sensitive topics." He said that he was so happy we became exclusive and was worried we would break up if he came on too strong and scared me off. I had to quickly put out that fire and let him know that we were absolutely not exclusive as that is rarely the outcome of any first date unless you're a Duggar.
I flagged a cab and told him it was nice to see him again (I lied again-I couldn't help it.) He said he’d call me in a few days which gave me 72 hours to create an exit strategy. I, thankfully, had my suburban detest going for me that was my #1 leading point. Three days later he called to invite me to his house for the weekend and I (immaturely) responded via text that I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other given our vastly different life stages and priorities. He didn't go down without a fight. He left several 5 minute voice mails saying that “this always happens” and that he knows I am “the girl for him” and I need to listen to my heart. Luckily my head and heart were in full agreement on this one, which is not a common occurrence and I stood my ground on nixing any further dates or communication.
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